Nothing Changes

So I find myself constantly reevaluating where I'm at in my life and the one thing that never changes is you.  So we talked the other day and I told you I wanted to erase you from my memory.  You didn't respond well.  I just think it would be easier.  You are right though, it's not fair.  You aren't trying to take the easy way out which I respect.  I'm not strong enough Branden.  I know a part of you still wants to be with me.  You are always dating girls that remind you of me.  Why are we wasting our lives not loving each other?  If I had you again I would never let you go.  I remember thinking that when we were at your house dancing to Babyface.  I can remember how your arms were positioned tightly around me.  I can remember the way you smelled and how you lightly hummed to the music in my ear.  I miss that.  I miss you.  Fall in love with me again.

Branden Scott

So I'm writing on here because I know that you will never see it.  I am so incredibly lonely without you.  I don't know how to get you back.  I literally dream and think about you constantly.  I feel like loving you is torture.  I can't catch my breath when I think of you and I nervously chew away at my lower lip wondering if you will ever come back.  I wish you would trust me.  I don't know how I am supposed to be with anyone else.  I keep trying to move on, but I can't.  My heart only wants you and no one else will compare.  Ugh, I'm so frustrated.  I know that I will be alone forever.  You will move on...you already have.  I am so happy for you that you are going to be a father and I want nothing but the best for you.  I go to sleep just so I can dream about you and feel you.  Why can't people who are meant to be together just be?  I know that some part of you still feels the same.  Please come back.  I just want to touch you.  I just want you to make me laugh.  I don't truly laugh about anything anymore....not like when I was with you.  I was stupid and young.  Please forgive me.  I need you, to be me.  

I had planned to show some "real" photos of my flaws to expose the real me which would have correlated with my previous posts. I'm not ready to do this though. Saying what I said in my post last night was a huge step for me. To me, that was like peeling off a layer of my former self.

Research

Final Project

So I feel like for this final project I want the class to really see me. It will be my onion/final project assignment and will incorporate my previous blog post. I want to show my flaws which will be a huge thing for me to do, especially to people that I have barely taken the time to know.

Reality Check

Ok, so I don't even know where to begin. When Beth went through the list of assignments that we had done and I realized how much I had missed, I was angry at myself. Not until today though did things go full circle for me and did I finally give this class a chance. Pretty sad huh?? Anyway, today at work I was offended by something that a co-worker said to me and this is how I responded, "Well Marsha, I would be angry at the world too if I were as gigantic as you." At the time I thought I was being funny and felt like the "cool kid" because I made everyone laugh at her expense. I didn't start to feel bad until about 15 minutes ago when I was putting my youngest son asleep. I laid there and thought, what the fuck is your problem Mallory??? And then I realized that I've been doing this forever. I THINK I'M BETTER THAN OTHERS. This is the reason that I'm not getting to know people in my classes and why I reject new friendships. I'M A BITCH. When we were talking in class the other day and Beth talked about people not really talking, I knew that I was one of them. I am actually really talkative and couldn't put my finger on why I wasn't talking in class. Well, come to find out now that it was because of my superiority complex. I would always think, these kids in my classes don't know shit. They haven't been through what I've been through. I'm 24 and being in class with them is like babysitting my kids. I can't remember when I started acting like this. Maybe it was the years of private school or my constant obsession of having the finer things of life...who knows, but I'm ready to change. In our last class on the blazing hot rooftop deck, FREAK said something to me that really stood out. He looked at me and said, "you're pink and yellow." And for some odd reason I didn't question it and instead was finally proud to be something other than I had perceived myself to be.